A study was done in which a large sampling of fourth graders, both boys and girls, were given what they were told was “a really hard math test.”  After the kids took the test, the researchers threw the tests away because they really didn’t care what the kids got on the math test. 

Instead, each kid met with a teacher or a counselor the next day, one-on-one, and was told, “Congratulations, you did very well on that difficult math test yesterday.  Why do you think that is?”  

            The boys said, “Because I’m smart and I tried hard.” 

            The girls said, “It was an easy test.” 

Interesting, no?  Exact same data.  Very different conclusions.  Remember, all were given the same test and all were given the same responses from adults, yet based on gender, the kids gave very different reasons for why this might be so. When boys were given information regarding their success, they changed their opinions of themselves—i.e., they internalized their success. What did the girls do?  They externalized it and instead changed their opinion of the test. This is also true for adults.  When men who were successful at a task were asked to what they attributed their success, they replied, “Intelligence, motivation and hard work.”  (Internalized success.)  When asked to what they attributed their failures, they replied things like, “Nobody told me what I was supposed to do,” or “Bad timing.”  (Externalized failure.)  When females who were successful at the same task were asked the question, they replied, “I had a lot of help,”and “It was really nothing.”  (Externalized success.)  When asked to what they attributed their failures, they replied, “I wasn’t smart enough,” or “I didn’t try hard enough.” (Internalized failure.)  Here is a simplified version of the results of this research:Males:      Internalize success; Externalize failureFemales:   Externalize success; Internalize failureWho’s right?  Who knows.  But that’s not really the point. Because reality is open to multiple interpretations, the point is not, “Who’s right?” but “Whose version of reality keeps them strong and resilient?” 

Here’s the important part, you really do have to internalize the success in order for it to work.  Giving the right responses to others is only a start, and a pretty superficial one at that.  Instead, you have to make a concentrated effort to incorporate your intelligence, your effort, and your job well-done into your version of reality and your definition of Who You Are.At first, if you’re not used to it, it may feel arrogant or “false.”  But that’s only internal. You don’t have to let it show and nobody will know. Over time, not only will your satisfaction level increase, but your resolve and resilience will both be strengthened.And here’s the most important part of all—you’re not the only one who will benefit from this new behavior and attitude.  You will be modeling this behavior, this resilience, this bold confidence for other women and girls.  Especially the girls.  Every time you model resilience for a girl you teach her how to rise to the occasion and thus make it possible for her to take advantage of future opportunities.

Q.:   “I am a successful banking professional who spends plenty of time networking. My problem is, some of the groups I network through have become more like support groups. How do I get beyond the support group feeling to get better at business? How can I turn these networking opportunities back into what they should be — tools to help me become more successful?” Signed, Stuck in Support Groups

This is an excellent question because it happens quite frequently…in women’s groups.  I’m assuming these are groups consisting mostly of women?  (Note to reader:  Perhaps I’m being sexist, and you can call me on it if I am, but can you imagine a guy’s networking group with this problem? )

Anyway, get a bunch of women together regularly and with their love of conversation as a way of bonding, sharing their lives and getting validation, it can easily turn into “spontaneous therapy.”  Unfortunately, since this therapy is done by non-professionals, it may not be all that useful.  Often, meetings can become little more than venting sessions.  Nothing intrinsically wrong with that, but for those who join for more professional reasons, it can be quite trying.

First question:  What were the original purposes of these groups?  Were they intended as networking groups that morphed into a support group or were they intended to be support groups?  I ask this because there are some professional women’s groups whose original intention was (and is) to help women deal with the glass ceiling. Since this is precisely what many of the women are looking for, it would be appropriate. 

Once you have the answer to the question above, find out if there are others in the group that feel as you do.  It would certainly be useful to know if others are having the same frustrations or if you are alone in this. 

Regardless of whether others feel the same, I think you are going to have to be assertive to get what you want out of these groups.  Request a space on the agenda.  (You do have agendas, don’t you?  More about this later…)  Then, state your concerns.  Something like:

“While I really enjoy the support we give one another, I thought this group was really intended to….(fill in the slot with what you thought their agenda was)…

“I joined this group with the hope that I would encounter opportunities to be more successful at my workplace.  It’s starting to feel more like a support group than a networking group.  Does anyone else feel as I do?”

You may discover that some women may not really know the difference between support and networking and that may emerge during the ensuing conversation.  That would be your opportunity to share what you think the group can become.

If there are enough people who feel as you do and desire to get back to networking, then being highly organized for every meeting will keep the group on track and allow less time for the kind schmoozing that turns into therapy. 

It is much more likely to veer off into support group time if the meetings are unorganized and/or lacking direction.

Agendas, plans for future discussion topics decided months in advance, speakers, all kinds of organizational tools, will help to keep the group(s) organized and focused. Get buy-in by having the whole group decide the content for the meetings and then another committee to locate speakers or professionals willing to share some expertise or lead discussions. Perhaps each member could take turns being responsible for organizing the monthly meetings.

If your current format is simply to meet and talk, there may be some who are not happy with the new format because it will require more work than simply attending a meeting, and that may put some members off.  You’ll have to wait and see if the group is in agreement with your frustrations and responsive to your suggestions.  Time will tell and then you can make your own decision as to whether or not to stay.

One last thing.   What does it say about women’s progress toward the board room that many women still seem to need a “support” group?  Perhaps nothing.  Perhaps, as I said earlier, it’s just the result of women’s love of conversation as a way to connect and the reason it would happen less with men is that they are less likely to be sharing “feelings.”  (Note to male readers out there:  I’m not saying you don’t have feelings, I’m saying that in male culture, you are not encouraged to express them.  Studies on communication differences based on gender show that females, from sandbox age, use words as a way to connect, while males, from sandbox age, use words as a way to establish dominance.  Therefore, the whole support group feel would be less likely to happen in a men’s or mixed group.)

Finally, I’m hoping that the tendency toward the support group type of interaction is a result of the way females use language and not because they continue to feel discriminated against…but my suspicion is that it is the latter.  I think when you bring the topic up you will get some interesting feedback and information along those lines.